I've gotten off the blogging train for the last year and haven't found my way back on. There are other more important things I need to do that do not include blogging. But tonight, I feel the need to get things off my chest and out of my head.
I think I am experiencing the seven year itch. I have been at my school for 7 years now. That's the longest I've been at any school I have taught at. I was at my first school for 4 years and my other school for 6 years (that's the one they closed down and we all had to move to different schools). It has now been 7 years and I just feel out of sorts. I feel like a downer when I think about all the things that suck at work. Our bathrooms are dirty, the school is dirty, half the teachers don't care and complain about the kids non stop. It's just a depressing situation. Our principal doesn't take care of discipline, she doesn't make the custodians do their job (obviously) and she lets the teachers do whatever they want. All she's concerned about is if it looks good on paper. We sparkle on paper and it looks like we have our act together on paper. But in reality, we don't. We do the dog and pony shows when people visit so we look like we are fabulous, but we aren't all the time.
I admit I'm not great. I've never pretended to be great. In fact, I find more wrong with my teaching than great. But I do try to go in everyday and give my kids 100%. I'm fighting against students and parents who don't care, students who struggle to learn and I struggle to fight the system that won't help the students who need it. I try to do better than the day before and make sure that my students are learning something everyday. I know my weaknesses (writing - I wish someone else would teach my kids how to write, because I suck at it and have for 17 years!) and I work on trying to make them not so weak. I know my strengths and use those to my advantage to help my kids. I know my limitations this year and am working to find ways around them, but struggling to find replacement activities and stop feeling bitter about it (no food in class = struggle in math and lack of "fun" activities).
I was very ready to go back to work a couple weeks ago and see my kids. I love my class this year. They are a great group of kids with pretty good behavior, but their academics aren't so hot (some are super high, but the majority are below grade level). Parents don't, won't or can't help and those who do, will and can make my job easier. We get little support from the administrator and our kids have no extra help other than me, myself and I (OK, that's not totally true - I do have an aide for 30 minutes a day, but even then she doesn't always do what I ask!). I came home the other night so upset because I was told by another teacher that one of my students (who I just found out was tested last year but didn't qualify) was just "low and that's the way he will always be." Um, it's my damn job to help him not be low, not just let him be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so frustrated and worked up about it that I almost applied for a job elsewhere (until I realized I had to be fluent in Spanish...I'm not!).
I always thought the grass would be greener elsewhere. I'm not so sure. Our district is a hot mess with all the admins thinking they are a gift to education and Common Core, but no one does anything that I have seen to be magic. I'm sure it's the same stuff at different schools, but people have learned to deal with it. I know some teachers who have been at the same school for 20+ years and others move around. I have been wondering lately if it's time to move on. I would have to go by myself this time without my teaching buddy, but I think I would be OK with that. I need to get away from negativity (I can do that on my own, thankyouverymuch) and complacency and the know-it-alls who make every meeting feel like torture. Or maybe I just need to let this feeling pass (along with PMS) and stay to myself for a bit. I need to work with some kids at lunch, so that will be a couple days eating in my room (or outside my room since I can't eat in my room...no food...grrrrr!) to be by myself and away from all the crap.
I don't know what I will do come May. There may not be any jobs open to go to (that I would want). I think we will actually have to lose teachers, so there won't be as many openings. I just don't know. My hubby asked me if it was time to change grade levels (I don't think so since I love first grade) and I said I wouldn't work with another grade level at my site...sad, huh? I just need to remember that I am there for my kiddos and that's all I can do. I can only do so much for them (including giving up my lunch time) and I can only help them so much. I can fight like a Mama Bear for them, but when others tie my hands, there's not much I can do.
On that note, I think I am going to take it easy tonight and maybe crack open a book. I haven't made time to read in a long time and I think it's just what I need! That or a lot of lotion!