9.09.2013

I've Got Nothing

Being home unplanned isn't any fun.  I don't care for it.  Mind you, I love my weekends when I am home and can do what I want.  But being made to be at home is for the birds. 

I was released from the hospital on Saturday afternoon.  I was/am still in quite a bit of pain, but nothing that little pills can't take care of (and they put me to sleep!).  I was told to come home and rest and relax.  I can't lift anything above 10 pounds.  I can't climb stairs.  I can't walk too far.  I can't eat fatty food (no one should, but we all do, right?).  I have to eat little meals all day long (I can't do that...I can't eat that much).  I can't drink soda.  There isn't anything on TV.  Yeah, I should read a book.  Maybe that'll be on my list for tomorrow. 

But I'm getting better, slowly but surely.  This pancreatitis thing is no laughing matter.  It hurts worse than anything I could think of.  I guess when your pancreas is mad, your whole torso area gets mad, too.  Sometimes it was so mad that the pain meds (the wonderful ones they give you in your IV!) didn't really work.  That's horrible pain.  But I'm not at that level any more.  My pain is tolerable.  I can go the day without maxing out on pain meds, but they are still my friend.  I can put sentences together that are mostly coherent, though there are still times I don't know what I'm thinking.  But I'm getting better. 

And I feel so guilty for leaving my kids.  I just hope they are getting what they need.  I'm trying to let it go, but it's hard.  They are my babies, even it we've only been there for 13 days together.  Is it wrong that I'm afraid they won't remember me?  That I'll be a stranger when I go back?  I don't know when I go back.  My doctor will let me know on Thursday.  It may still be a while.  And that makes me sad.  I'm aiming to go back at least part time for a bit to build up to a full day.  Hubby says I should just take the time off, but he doesn't get it.  I'm not a stay at home person.  I need to work.  I like to work.  I love being with my kids, even when they are driving me crazy!  I teach...it's what I do. 

But for now, healing is what I do.  Recovering is what I do.  I don't like it.  I don't do it well.  But it's something I must do so I can go back and teach.  I just wish I could be patient and appreciate the fact that I have the time, I'm not losing any money, my kids are being taken care of and I'm doing what I need to do for me.  I'm going to try really hard.  Otherwise, I may just go crazy. 

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