10.07.2012

Today. Tomorrow. And every day after that.

I'm a little embarrassed that it's been almost a month since I posted.  But, life has been crazy, and something had to give, so it was my blog.  I figure this isn't a necessity in life, and my family and work are.  But, things might settle down a bit, and I am making some time today to finally get some things done that I have been wanting to get done.  Like blogging.  And making math journals.  Fun!!!!

We are moving along bit by bit at school.  We have been in school for 8 weeks now.  Sometimes it seems like we have been there forever and other times it seems like 8 weeks should be 4 weeks.  I am happy with the progress most of my kids are making.  I guess we all want them to do better than they are no matter where they are.  But, we are moving along, doing what we can.

I am having a strange year.  Strange to me, anyway.  I feel very flustered this year.  Very stressed.  Very lost.  I don't like it at all.  I'm making a goal to change that now.  Today.  Tomorrow.  Every day after that.  I don't like the way I feel at school.  There are several reasons why.  Some are me.  Some are my kids.  Some are the people around me.  Sometimes it's almost too much to handle.

Last year, I had a very high group.  They could do a lot (especially at the end of the year) and we didn't have to focus on the little things.  We had time to have some fun, think a little outside the box and do things that may not have necessarily been in our standards, but helped our learning and understanding of things.  So when I planned this year, I was planning for the same thing.  Well, 8 weeks ago, I met my little class and they are different than last years bunch.  They are much lower, with many more issues than my class last year.  So we are having to take things slower and try to hit all those little things.  And we have to do it again.  And again.  And again.  It's not as much fun.  And that's my fault.  But I worry when I think I will do something fun.  I worry that we aren't covering something important.  I worry that we are missing out on learning.  And then invariably, someone spills the paint on their clothes.  And someone cries that it's not fair that they didn't get to do the activity.  And then I wonder why I thought we would do it in the first place.  The fun is going away.  And I don't like that.  I need to change that.  Today.  Tomorrow.  And every day after that.

I bought the book for Daily 5.  I started reading it so I could make an effort this year.  But then I started thinking about my schedule.  I started thinking about what I would have to give up.  How would I get it all in?  How would I explain it to people who have no idea what it is?  So I stopped reading the book.  I had a million ideas in my head in the summer about what I would do and how I would do things.  And then none of them went into place.  And so now I wonder what I am doing and why I am doing the things I do.  I question what I do.  And they are things I have done for 15 years now.  And I am overwhelmed with Common Core and we aren't even there year.  We won't really start until next year or the year after that.  But it's in my head.  I need to wrap my head around something...but nothing is sticking.  And it sucks!  But that will change.  I am going to start looking at things in a different light and see where it goes.  I need to change my thinking about things.  Today.  Tomorrow.  And every day after that.

We have issues in our grade level.  Always have.  But things have come to a head now.  One teacher, who hasn't been happy to join in with us, chose this year to not be part of the grade level collaborations.  It was her choice and the principal allowed that to happen.  She allowed her to not be part of what we are trying to be.  Well, that teacher had had a change of heart and now wants to be part of the team.  Great!  I am all for that.  But she doesn't know how to go about doing this, so she had a meeting with a higher up in the district.  We all had meetings with this person then, to go over all the crap that has happened over the years.  So now, instead of being able to have a PLC with our grade level, we are going through "team building" activities with the district personnel.  Because we can't all play nice, we are having to go through this instead of our normal things we need to do as a grade level.  As the grade level lead, I am in the middle of it all.  People don't want to play nice and tell me they aren't going to do this or that.  Or I have to listen to them talk about how we are all going to be sued for harassment and we are all going to lose our jobs.  That won't happen, I have been reassured, but it still bugs me that I have to listen to this.  I have thought of not being grade level lead, but there isn't anyone else that can really do it.  So, I will do it.  I will continue doing what we need to do, but I have to try to not let others get into my head.  It's stressing me out BIG time, causing me to be very crabby.  I don't like it.  So, I will change that.  Today.  Tomorrow.  And every day after that.

I need to let things go.  I need to stop worrying (that's no east feat for me!  I'm a worrier) about others, stop worrying about how I am doing things and stop worrying about trying to get it all in.  I need to worry about me being happy, stress-free and focused on what matters.  It won't be easy, it won't be all done tomorrow, but I have a new goal, a new mantra.  Today.  Tomorrow.  And every day after that.


3 comments:

  1. All of those things totally stink! Having a district person come in and meet with your team? Oh my! My principal would be so pissed at us if we needed to go over his head. I am so sorry for you!
    Keep your head up. :) Good vibes are being sent your way.~~~
    Andi

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  2. You're not alone! I also had a high class last year and a much lower one this year. And I did Daily 5 last year (and this year although it's taking longer to get going) and loved it! I'm hoping it works with this group too because I can help them at their levels in small groups. I do worry about not having enough time for all the whole class curriculum stuff, but I really think the small group will be so beneficial that its worth it. One reason I started following your blog was because of the similarities in how you describe your school and mine. I feel your pain. I'm sorry to hear all you're having to go through. I wish you happy moments with your class.
    --Chrissy
    Firstgradefoundme.blogspot.com

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  3. As the team lead, I understand your feelings completely. There is something off about this year. In my 15 years of teaching, it has never been this discouraging and challenging so early in the school year. Know that you are not alone and we your blogger family are here for you!
    Sending you lots of moments of laughter with your kids.

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